The Sex Talk!
by Thunder's Blade
Summary: Post BD. Nessie is a teenager, and Edward and Bella decide to give her the sex talk. However, as usual, Jake had done something to make Edward furious at him. Emmett also interferes. Very short, but slightly funny toward the end. No LEMONS!


**AN: Very short, but I thought it was slightly funny. It's hard to convey awkward moments in writing, but I tried! And pretend that, toward the end, Edward is very clueless. Just pretend.**

"Nessie, sit down," I said quietly. My six-year-old, looking like a beautiful young teenager, plopped right in Jake's lap. Jake smiled and wrapped his arms around her.

Edward sighed beside me.

I lifted my shield briefly. _Edward! You start, you start. This is so embarrassing._

"All right, Nessie," he began. "We know you're still…pretty young, I suppose, but this conversation needs to take place. Now, I know that you haven't been to school long enough to learn about this, so we're not going to beat around the bush."

Wow. Always precise and to the point. That was my Edward.

"Yes. I'm just going to lay it all out on the table. No use in stalling or delaying it. We are going to have an honest heart-to-"

"Just spit it out," I grumbled under my breath.

Before Edward could say anything else, Nessie snapped her fingers and a smile appeared on her face. "Oh! I get it! You're trying to give me the sex talk!"

_"You did NOT!!!"_ Edward hissed, glaring at Jake, who had a ridiculous grin on his face. "You did _NOT _give _MY _daughter the _SEX TALK!!!_"

What?!

"Jake, did you seriously do that?" I asked despairingly. "You seriously lectured her on that? As if we don't know you're just dying to—"

Edward interrupted me. "Just let me handle this. I promise to be cool and collected," he reassured me.

Turning around, he started shouting. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? I THOUGHT WE ALL AGREED THAT WHEN IT CAME TIME, BELLA AND I WOULD TELL NESSIE! NOT YOU!"

Nessie giggled. "Jake was thorough, though. He should teach sex ed!"

Okay, my beautiful, wonderful, angelic little daughter did _not_ just say that.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen, _what_ did you say?" I asked dangerously. Of course, I had a maternal instinct somewhere inside me, and it just flared up.

"I said that Jake shoul—"

"—teach sex ed? Nice, Nessie!" Emmett bellowed, flinging open the door.

Edward and I just glared at him.

"Whoa, whoa, what's with all the tension?"

I slammed my fist down, effectively smashing the table I slammed it against. "Emmett, butt out, or so help me God, I will rip you apart and leave you disassembled for a week!"

He just smirked. "You and which army?" he retorted, plopping down on the sofa. "Bring it, little sis!"

Edward cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but if you two are done…Bella, you're not a newborn anymore. Emmett, quit goading her."

"Yes, sir," we both replied sarcastically.

Edward sighed. "Anyway, Jacob, go through the whole entire conversation. Don't miss a single word, or I will sic Emmett on _you_, mutt."

"All right, all right!" Jake held his hands up in surrender and knit his eyebrows together, running through the conversation again, no doubt. Emmett was slightly crouched, looking as if he would jump at Edward's command.

"Okay, that's right, mm-hmm…what the hell?!" Edward's expression suddenly changed from calm and composed to dark, frightening, and challenging.

I tugged on his arm to calm him down slightly. "What? What'd Jake say to Nessie? Was it bad?"

"Damn right it was bad," Edward mumbled. "He told Nessie, in short, 'everything he wanted to do to her'."

Did not!

"It doesn't matter," Nessie piped up. "Jake's really hot!"

"And how would you know, young lady?" Emmett asked with a grin.

"Well, when Jake phases with the pack, they tend to go naked for a few seconds, and I've seen him naked tons of times. I've also seen the rest of the guys naked, too," she continued happily, oblivious to Edward and my ominous expressions. "They can't compare to Jake. He's really big!"

"Thanks, baby," Jake said, grinning and blushing, planting a kiss on the back of Nessie's neck.

"Emmett!" I yelled. "GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!"

He fake-saluted. "Hut-hut, ma'am," he joked.

"Uh-oh," Jacob muttered. He set Nessie down gently, then leapt out of our door and phased right outside, Emmett on his heels.

Nessie glared at me and burst into tears **(AN: let's pretend half-vampires **_**can**_** do that)**. "Mom!" she yelled. "Why'd you do that?! You sent Jake away!"

"Well, sweetie," I tried to reason.

"Don't you 'sweetie' me! I think Jake's a better explainer anyway! You and Dad had me when Dad was still a teen! Come on! Hello, teenage pregnancy!"

Edward, having often been teased for being younger than I, stayed silent in a puddle of embarrassment.

Nessie bolted out of the door.

I sighed. "Well, what are we going to do now?"

Edward crossed his arms. "Don't worry," he grouched. "Emmett, Jacob and Nessie are at Jacob's house, playing video games."

I snorted. "Let's get them back. We have to finish THE talk."

Holding hands, we followed their trail, down to Jacob's small house in the reservation.

We stopped short when we heard Nessie' and Jacob's voices, making some extremely scary, strained, and - dare I say? - erotic sounds.

"Ugh! Jake! More, more, more, more!" I heard my baby girl say.

Then came Jake's voice: "Mmm...Ness, you're so tight...ugh...I love you, so much...."

Edward's face turned furious. "They're blocking me out!" he hissed. "I bet they thought they'd get away with this! Well, let's see! Apparently Emmett can't be trusted to carry out any task. If Jacob Black actually...." He didn't finish, but knocked the door over. "COVER UP WHAT YOU DON'T WANT SEEN!" he yelled, eyes squeezed shut. "RENESMEE, _COME HERE!_ YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG LADY! GROUNDED! AND JACOB, STAY AWAY OR WE'LL MAKE SURE YOU'LL BE LAYING DOWN FOR DAYS!"

When I peeked around, I exploded in laughter, as did Emmett, Nessie, and Jake. They were laying on their stomachs, holding video game controls, and enjoying the expression on Edward's face as he realized what had just happened.

"Well, well, well!" Jake gloated, towering above Edward (truly, he was a giant. He was even taller than Emmett!). "The mind-reading bloodsucker is fooled! I never thought I'd see the day!"

**AN: Crappy, I know, but still...**


End file.
